It was the depth of his eyes that initially made me stop and take notice.  Not to glance as one would in public or at a social gathering, but to really Look at him.  There was something writhing below the surface, something old and intense.  Lunging forward and then retreating ... teasing ... luring ... asking for an introduction.  Something unlike anything I had ever encountered.  I had heard stories of such characteristics ... in fiction.  Kind of like a fairy-tale creature ... lovely notion that you hope to eventually see, but know that you won't ... maybe.

His manner of speaking was a complete betrayal of the pseudo-wisdom that peered from beneath the heavy dark lashes.  An overdone southern homeless drawl; its origin a toss-up across multiple state lines. I didn't even hear his words ... entirely. Something about stale cigarettes and coffee ... and my ass.  

Subconsciously, I adjusted my stance.  

The aged look of his face was a testament to a mis-spent youth that had been heavily anesthetized in a cloud of excessive drug and alcohol use.  I would later learn that his mid-life years were composed as a blur of recovery induced by a catalytic half-baked prostration in the gravel church parking lot up the hill. There is something about waking, disoriented in the shadow of a 30-foot cross ... "It'll save you or destroy you," he hissed. 

Bitterness frothed amidst his words as he spoke of a daughter long lost to the care of a psychotic ex who was nothing but a money-grubbing-bitch, but then aren't they all? A marriage that succumbed to the seductive invitation of another ... dissolved in accusations and arguments. And, yet, as he spoke there were gaping holes; his eyes twinkled mischievously as though his words were an intricate, demented allegory intended to be pieced together over time.  He wasn't speaking of domestic disruptions, failed relationships ... his meaning was much broader ... more complex.  He was testing the waters.  Trying to determine where I stood ...and how I may react to the Truth.

It was then that it dawned on me ... I had made a mistake.

It is odd how quickly we can become disillusioned.  Distracted.  And then be gently brought back to our original purpose, focus, and intent.

I have spent the past few weeks fighting battles on several fronts.  Not that anyone out there really cares, I know that I wouldn't be too interested ... but that aside, I have found it remarkable how some of the best-laid plans can be shunned aside in order to deal with mundane, aggravating, and sometimes downright crappy circumstances.  For the mere fact that they are just so annoying that they may no longer be ignored.  Something must be done.  I have chosen to re-channel the energy ... compartmentalize ... But on the flipside, there are always rays of light that shine through to help us along the way.  No worries, I am not going to get all spiritual or philosophical ... its out of my system ... moving on ...

My intention several days ago, well, exactly a week ago now, was to post another portion of the fiction I teased with in the previous entry.  

The mania has consumed much more than I had anticipated.  With the newfound freedom, the release of the albatross (so to speak) has unleashed a new fount of creativity, determination and exploration.  That being said, to some out there, no, I am not making excuses.  I find myself starting projects and inevitably a shiny something glimmers from just off the peripheral and I squeal, "Oooooooh!" and Away I go.

Now, since we have established that my attention span has shrunk to that which may be donned by a gnat ... here we go.

What was born to be a short work of fiction (essentially a short short -- 500 words or less) has grown to a short story, to a serial, to a novella.  And yet, even in its infancy, I anticipated more for the tale-o-noir.  I have struggled, beaten and cajoled with the words upon its pages ... er, glaring back from the screen ... and, yet, I fear that it is still unable to stand freely.  I have promised, promised and promised the beginnings of the tale to a dear friend ... promises upon which I will deliver this week, but I know that despite the story's "coming out" that it may yet again go under the knife.  Wait and see what type of reception it receives.

I am pleased to let those who read it know that the inspiration for the tale has yet to find rest.  It is kind of like dealing with a split personality that has an equally short attention span.  Just when you think that the song is over ... another verse screams from the dusty speaker.  Crackling in the background is the faint noise of days-gone-by ... its only purpose is to provide a context for the images peeping up from between the blurred lines of black ink. Occasional capital letters and penned markings disrupt the anticipated story that has waited patiently to be received.  Alas, here we are.

And as I write these lines, my phone continues to belt out the opening of Mr. Tambourine Man ... an anonymous caller on the other end ... or so he believes.  If given the opportunity, those who believe themselves to be so slick will eventually foul up ... and tell on themselves.  If you give them enough rope ... 

Sitting back enjoying coffee and conversation.  As I look into the distance I am amazed at the persistent nature of the distant, cold and prying eyes of a heavy heart.  An alarm for my consciousness ... You have this moment.  Make the most of it.  In the end, all our moments lessen ... I have reached a point where I become so consumed with such a sense of urgency that I want to scream lines of poetry ... brief, fictional glimpses ... at the top of my lungs. Yell for the world to hear that things are constantly changing ... Accommodating ... Morphing ... but into what?  And, yet, there never seems enough time ... words ... or attention.  After all.  People will only listen for so long, till something shiny comes along ... something bigger, better, darker ... something to reflect that nature, which they spend so long trying to shun ... 

It is still early in the evening. 

And as I start to sign off, I realize that my dear Musings still exhibits minor shudders of life ... Occasional gasps reassure me that it is still among the living, but barely.  I intend to change this. Somehow.  And I believe that the cure lies in purpose, persistence and understanding.  Maybe from this point forward I may be able to provide the cure that is needed.  Besides, sleep is a luxury ... 

"Are you ready for a journey?" he asked holding the glistening blade flat against my thigh.  His eyes flashed a mysterious knowing as he traced the seam of my jeans. The exhalation that escaped his crooked grin stank of a cocktail bred of stale cigarettes and the wan, aromatic vestige of whiskey greedily downed years before.  Mirroring a distorted image of the autumn stars that shone above, the bone-handled knife pressed my trust, incited my curiosity and blunted my reason.  Had I known then what I know now, I would have answered differently ... 

Manic Ramblings ... Back Momentarily

In my manic dash to make up for lost time, I have allowed myself a few moments' guilty pleasure.  

Met with a good friend last night for java ... actually, as the fates would have it we were in the right place at the same time.  Anyhow, spent the first few minutes in a bit of awkward silence ... guess one could consider it a strange reflection of the past few weeks of non-communication.  But the interest and sarcasm were alive and well.  We talked and laughed once the thaw was complete. And it was so nice to be able to laugh comfortably ... no expectations, no guidelines ... just conversation and java in the company of someone whom I have known for quite some time. Course there are other factors at play here, but this is neither the moment nor medium for That discussion. 

So odd how dreams morph fluidly into expectations and then seem to squirm uncomfortably into the guise of reality ... especially when one is ill-prepared to witness the troubling transformation. Course, that generally happens when actuality does the situation no justice at all.  But that is neither here nor there either.  Where was I?

Suffice to say that I have always felt a kind of kinship to this individual and we have always been able to speak on the same level with nearly identical interests and backgrounds. Difficult to find in this part of the woods really.  To make obscure references to British comedy and things, knowing no explanation is necessary b/c the other one will get the joke was really cool.  Being able to be sarcastic, deadpan, etc. and never missing a beat.  I don't know where this is going. Guess I felt obliged to include a few comments about that.  I'm done now.  On to other things.

With newfound awareness comes a renewed interest in those things for which I have unfortunately long neglected.  For example, my fiction writing.  

For a few months now I have been working on a short short that a dear friend is anxiously waiting to read.  As is the case with any writer, no piece is ever truly finished, though I have set myself a deadline ... steadfast deadline ... of this week to finish the piece and get it in the hands of my fellow java junkie.  With any hope ... er, luck, he will read it and still want to meet for coffee on occasion.  Not only is there contest deadline creeping up in the background, it feels really good to be able to sit down at the computer and type away without the heaviness of masochistic tendencies weighing about my shoulders ... I know that I am clinging to that phrase for some unfortunate reason.  Guess it seems to fit at the moment. I have discovered that many of our life's lessons are rooted in self-loathing at times that we allow to unnecessarily cause pain.  But that is another story.  This is not the time for depression, oppression, or other ill-timed discussions. Anyway ....

Yes, I am working to finish the piece and with any luck, there will be many to follow.  Who knows, I just may publish some excerpts here.  Maybe.  

Until later.  I have much writing to tend to.  

Namaste.

Masochistic Novice

Alas, I have deprived my soul long enough.  

It is odd how we often thrust ourselves into the path of an oncoming bus not for the sheer thrill of dodging the experience of being shuffled loose the mortal coil but for the knowledge that we have survived and now possess the authority to speak first hand and warn others of the  danger of placing our hearts, minds, and sometimes our principles on the line in the name of love .... or lust.  

And on we go breathing deeply in the wake of sheer disappointment, fear, loathing. or relief.  Coming up from the depths of depression and oppression only to breathe as one who has been held below the water's surface for far too long.  And yet some of us still harbor a sense of guilt ... "Over what?" one may ask? I dunno, silly things I would suppose ... though not silly to the one experiencing it but to the casual observer who shakes his or her head in dismay that one would place his or herself in the situation to begin with.  Some try to save the world ... others try to save one another.  

And here we are.  You have returned to see if I have posted further, and as you arrive I rise to the surface from the depths of a self-induced darkness and deprivation that is unhealthy even for the most Seasoned Masochist.  

Not that I enjoy whips and chains, I think it is more of a perverted fascination with the effects of continuing to embrace my "syndrome mentality".  Yet again, I have survived.  I have dodged the train, stumbled across the tracks to land in seedy gravel only to momentarily curl defensively and lick my still-fresh wounds.  No worries.  I shall rise to stand full height once again and stronger than before.  I reclaim my intent, my focus, and my dreams.  I will get there ... and this experience only serves to reinforce the motivation I have silently cradled all along.  No one shall hijack my destination.  Not this, not anything that mere mortal man may place in front of me shall rob me of that.  

I don't mean to speak in riddles or confusing allusions.  Suffice to say that recent situations have reached their boiling point, boiled over, scalded my hands and forced me to drop the pot of sopping stew of negativity and discontent to the shining floor below.  Momentary discoloration, a slight mess.  Nothing a mop won't cure. I take responsibility, for it was I who dropped the pot. 

What good would it do to hold tight to something that is not fit for consumption and cannot possibly be passed on to anyone as "good for you" with any degree honesty whatsoever?  That is false advertisement, morally wrong, and demeaning.  To further ingest this festering conglomeration of sour bits and pieces would only trigger additional "feel bads" and massive regurgitation. It is fine to initially try to add your own set of spices and herbs to make the gruel better ... maybe give it a more appealing flavor, aroma, and texture.  But it is still gruel. 

Ah, already I tire of such analogies.  Until later .... 

Blah, Blah, Blah ...

Blank pages can be intimidating. You merely whimper at its dominance and then growl it into submission.  Huh?  Yep, that is shear loss speaking.  I wanted to write something totally and utterly brilliant ... and then I thought to myself, "Self, what shall we say today?" And then it dawned on me.  This quandary is probably the same that gives many in the MSM fits as they habitually bang their heads until something even remotely feasible and worthy of relaying to the masses manifests ... slow news day.  Self punishment is sometimes a good thing.  And what better thing to humble one than to take responsibility for their part in the perpetuation of "news"? 

Alas, I am dreaming.  In the age of Citizen Journalism and the advent of the Blogosphere TRUE, Responsible journalism is on life-support.  Course, True objectivism is a near impossibility ... always has been ... it is human to be biased ... whether we like it or not we are ALL biased. Disagree?  Take a moment to inventory the simple choices you make in a given day ... that, my friend Is Bias.  Now expand that to a story that garners your attention, listen to yourself as you recount the story to another ... notice anything?  

Course, it only works if you actually Relay the story ... not a condensed version.  It generally takes more than 140 characters.  And the full effect is only experienced if the transmission occurs Verbally ... I know, it feels weird ... but it does work.  You know, Discussing things ... through that archaic medium known as Speech.

We have become a society who feeds ... lives off 10 second sound bites and headlines.  The average newspaper was once written at an 8th grade level ... now, we are reading at a 5th grade level. Before long, the news will be relayed as a comic book.  Must keep the attention of the masses. There doesn't seem to be any room for compromise; there is no thinking for one's self.  If people have to work for it, it may die.  

There is no interest other than the bare essentials.  And besides, most view the news as all horrible, bad, and essentially terminal.  

There is no cure for the rampant superficial assumptions, ignorance, and disregard for all that was once held in esteem ... everything has damn near been reduced to 140 characters or less, packaged as "easy access" media and information available On The Go ... it is emphatic laziness run amok.  That is all.  

We have done it to ourselves.  All in the name of "convenience".  Where will convenience lead when our society dumbs itself down to the point that a 30 second news story ... presented through the ease of the Tube ... is no longer enough.  You know it is coming.  People barely have enough time to stop and have a conversation In Person.  It is easier to tweet your thoughts ... All thoughts ... post a Facebook update ... ("Leaving mall.  Gotta pee, more from stall.")  WTF??? 

During my time in college I actually met incoming freshmen who could not construct a grammatically correct sentence.  The idea of verbs, nouns, predicates were Alien concepts ... They considered sentence construction in the same light as journalists view advanced math ... with tremendous wailing and gnashing of teeth ... But they could sure Text and Tweet. 

I get so aggravated when people go on and on about the virtues of our modern "society".  Many of the conveniences are just that a convenience, nice to have around.  But when did we lose sight of those things that make us Human?

It would seem that we are merely a bunch of people living together, houses squished together, cars zinging past one another, and people shoving their way through crowds of their fellow humans and not once taking the time to see that we are losing the "connection"  there is no "society". There are a bunch of strangers battling for dominance and power amongst themselves with regard for nothing more than whomever accumulates the most power and wealth by the end of the game wins.  And many wonder why instances of mental health issues have dramatically increased comparably with the rise in availability and ease of "technology"?

Ah, that sounds so drab.  I don't mean to be a downer, really.  I just don't understand how it is that people are not seeing the big picture, OR if they are, they don't care.  And if so, why not? Take another Xanax and let it ride?  

Much of what we are seeing today has been in the works for decades.  As many know NOW, the internet was not a new concept ... new to the people ... but not New New.  It was born of "defense", "convenience", "strategy", "preparation" .... essentially a tool or medium for violent retaliation ... so it has been said.  But what else is new.  It is packaged so nicely ... kinda like a bite-sized candy cane.  All the flavor and festiveness presented with On the Go convenience. Pay no attention to the warning label printed in microscopic type on the toxic label in which its wrapped.  

People are eating up all the conveniences like candy ... forget the cavities, deal with those later. (Hopefully the government run dental program will pay for the fillings.  Maybe?)  No one seems to understand or care that our humanity is being crippled by the conveniences with which we are being baited.   I don't mean to sound like some sort of paranoid loon.  I am merely tossing out ideas.  And, Yes, I have read 1984 AND Brave New World.  But then ... I have also read the Bible, too.

Just because you see things in print doesn't always make it true ... same with the screens at which we stare ... Take a leap.  Turn off the tube.  Pick up a book (... A real one ... made of paper and glue ... It has binding (aka a spine) and sometimes pictures.)  Then open your mind and allow it to do its thing ... Consider and Think. 

Coffee Tinged Stuff

Jacked up on coffee and thoughts are running a gazillion miles a minute ... momentary lapses where the screen stares blankly back, allowing time to process the keystrokes ... then ZAM ... the words magically scream across the blank field before me ... Krall crooning in the background does little to mute my manic state.  It's all good.  Freewrite ... worked for Hemingway and so many others, course, probably got a few into trouble too.   But that is another story, eh?

Ever have one of those days where you have so many ideas vying for your attention, and, yet, when you offer up a few minutes to entertain certain notions, those thoughts that were jumping up and down shouting "ooh Me!  Pick me! Pick me!" suddenly lose interest and scurry off into the darkened recesses of your mind?  Or simply wear themselves out and seek a quite place to nap for the moment, leaving in their wake an annoying, quivering silence ... No? Well, I have been experiencing it all day ... and I don't think that the coffee has helped much, just needed a little pick-me-up to get the creative juices flowing and now it has turned into a complete, incomprehensible tidal surge of fragmented notions, underdeveloped characters, distressed headlines begging to be recorded and other ideas that merely wait to be fleshed out before taking that first breath only to lay in wait for a few days to see if they survive or meet with the ever-so-seductive delete button with which my right ring finger nurtures a completely unhealthy attraction and combustible relationship.  You know how it goes, "i love you," "i hate you" "i love you" "screw you" "No, screw you" and on and on and on it goes unchecked until finally I give up, close out the document, and turn out the light ... as the shouts of characters and ideas become nothing more than muffled whimpers hushed to silence in the softness of the pillow on which I lay my head.

So on to other things.  Financial reform has passed, certain portions of the hellthcare bill are prepping themselves for their close-up, and people are jumping up and down about the usually suspects, you know, oil, incompetence in washington, whining, bitching, moaning, laughing, crying, and sitting by anxiously in the looming presence of all things political and social ... waiting to see what falls next from the restless sky. Personally, I am waiting on the frogs to start falling.  The way things are going, I would probably bank on the frogs before anything truly honorable ... you know, something founded in actual thought and reasoning.  We are just like the frogs in a way .... sitting idly by until suddenly we find ourselves in an alien position subjected to unnatural acts that violate all the given laws of god, nature, AND man.  And as we are hurled forth, we look at one another in complete amazement and confusion ... Just wait.  One day, these manic notions may make sense in some sort of metaphorical ... hell, maybe even literal, sense.  

While I was filling up this afternoon, leaded coffee of course, don't do the unleaded stuff ... that is just Wrong ... no point, anyhow ... took a few minutes to entertain the fragmented conversations of my fellow caffeine junkies and OH MY!  Keeping one's eye on the ball is a completely alien concept to some of these people, but I learned the hard way to not try and sway or educate them in the ways of screenwriting meets illusion meets the tube meets ordinary consumption.  Using one's powers for Good and not Evil ... though notions of such do vary by user ... discretion is a valuable tool ... Wait, what is discretion???

THUD ... was the sound such an attempt made recently when I unwittingly found myself in the midst of a debate over healthcare, immigration, financial reform, and the Clinton presidency ... how the hell that happened I have yet to figure out ... how Uncle Bill got thrown into the mix ... I got thrown in the mix if the debate b/c I have a difficult time keeping my mouth shut sometimes ... a compulsion I desperately need to learn to control ... it only dawned on me later ... One of those observations one makes and then shoves to the bottom of the pile b/c for all intents and purposes it is really of no value ... but anyhow, that tidbit peeped out to remind me that a vast majority of the right-wing foundation holds Clinton in not-so-flattering esteem ... it all started when he was in office ... I, personally, don't know and couldn't care less.  I was still in high school when Clinton got elected to office and at the time I had more pressing concerns than his foreign policy and "intern dilemmas" ... but, I digress ... that happens quite often ....

Too many irons in the fire ... can't locate the marshmallows ... my tofu dog met with a horrible end amidst the embers ... and I have had too little sleep ... all personal problems, I am well aware ... but makes for interesting conversation ... throw a critical coffee buzz into the mix and Whaaaaa -LA! A blog entry that challenges and cries forth ... (fill in battle cry here).  

Reflections In a Steaming Mug-O-Java

I have kept one ear tuned to the news ... the other to the gossipy buzz vibrating my coffee cup.

A buddy of mine had a copy of Too Much Coffee Man Meets His Coffee Maker (the comic book).  I swear, I think I had perma-grin for a good 3 or 4 hours after we parted ways.  It had been forever since I'd seen that comic, let alone thumb through the pages ... Funny how things you have forgotten that used to bring a smile to your face reappear when you need them most.

I fear that I have adopted too grim a view of humanity as of late.  And it has truly been completely unintentional ... Sometimes, just turning on the tube is enough to spark an anxiety attack ... "So why turn it on?" you may ask ... I'll have to get back to you on that ... Seriously, I guess it is to keep an eye ... er, ear tuned to what the machine is up to.  Oh, and for Background Noise.  

Not that we get an honest picture, but what we do get is enough to fan the personalized flames we all adopt and hold dear; be they hope, fear, anxiousness, contentment, hunger, thirst, paranoia, etc ...  

People HEAR what they want to ... They LISTEN when they have to ... 

It is sometimes odd the places people go to seek comfort ... and even more disturbing the gurus (be they gossipy, preachy, philosophical, fanatical, carnivorous or even doped) from whom they seek comfort and guidance ... course, I have no room to talk ... I've met many talkers, whiners, and those who have no clue what they say ... they just like the sound of the echo their voice creates as it bounces manically off the confines of their vast, cavernous head that is seated firmly upon burdened shoulders ... And then there are the Enlightened ones (not meaning to sound religious or anything, but that is the adj that fits at the moment ...), those are the ones with Substance ... Purpose ... Heart ... A social conscience, if you will.  The ones you could talk to for hours (and sometimes do), the ones who give you hope ... 

(Background chatter: "More coffee?" ... "Like you gotta ask ... Of course!") 

I have many, many acquaintances ... and amidst the uppity drama of Gossip Central (aka one of more popular Java Joints this side of the Mississippi) you can always tell who is who ... 

There's the Town Crier, the Gossip Hound, the Player, the Wanderer ... well, you get the idea ... and their sole duty is to provide Diversion ... Kinda like the cute, snuggly stories that are slid discretely between the horrors of the World "Over There" or those stories that make you shake your head asking "WTF?" ... 

... And just as happens in the larger scheme of things, the pot continues to percolate, addictions are fed, and word continues to travel.  Quickly ... skipping from one booth to the next only to jump the counter and hitch a ride to the next shift ... I am often amazed at what survives the dicey road of gossip and what dies a horrible, lonely death ... you know, the words that actually hold meaning, worth ... substance -- NOT who is screwing who (metaphorically OR literally) ... -- are the ones that suffer the most traumatic fate ... They do not sprout superhero wings or adopt exceptional powers of embellishment, no, they are what they are and nothing more ... and such "simplicity" is their downfall ... or is it?  

I continue to cling to the proverbial "Coffee Mug is Half Full" mantra.  I have to.  There are too many negative forces that frolic in and around our environment to adopt anything different.  I may get discouraged frequently ... vent discontent and aggravation on occasion... but in the end, I still have to hope that the best of humanity will eventually shine through.  What else is there? 

Oh, yeah, the coffee crunchies you sometimes discover at the bottom ... 

In Part, An Exploration of Human Nature

Human nature is such a fickle thing, don't ya think?  The ways in which people view such abstract concepts as love, hate, and everything in between can be so fluid.  And, oh my, the reactions these concepts can trigger.  

A close friend of mine is going through a very difficult time at the moment and my heart truly aches for him.  I have never been witness to such intense feelings of despair and pain ... and there is really nothing I can do but to listen.  Even given that, he not much for talking ... He has yet to shed the initial shock that has so greatly, and understandably, affected him.  And it is difficult to say how his healing process may progress.  The intensity with which he is Feeling right now really calls into question the passiveness with which many of us experience our relationships and everyday encounters.  

Like so many others, I have experienced the loss of loved ones, friends, and acquaintances ... and with each loss I experienced such an intensity of "aliveness" (is that even a word???) that it felt almost as a jolt ... a physical tremor affecting of my entire being.  Like a ethereal smack to my psyche screaming  "All you have is now ... Quit bitching ... Life is the Here and Now ... Do Something ..."  with tremendous intensity.  And I would inevitably go days with little to no sleep and this Awareness of all I experienced ... Similar to emerging from a deep, dream-plagued sleep ... 

Not to sound cliche, but something so simple as a deep breath while sitting cross-legged in my backyard among the trees and grass would adopt a newfound sensation of being Alive.  A new appreciation, so to speak.  And I would always be brought back down by the immense weight the subsequent feelings of guilt, sadness, and impatience placed upon my spirit.  It would almost feel as though I had one foot firmly planted in the Now while the other floundered helplessly seeking the comfort and safety of the ground.  I guess what I am trying to say was that each new day, each experience, and feeling possessed its own intensity, its own value, and its own lesson.  Something which I had allowed to slip by unnoticed until the jolt of witnessing another's mortality caused me to gasp and stare wide-eyed at what lay before me.

Watching helplessly as my friend travels this unexpected detour of disappointment and heartbreak, I reluctantly brought back to embrace to the intensity emotions can create ... if we allow it.  It is odd.  There are days, weeks, and sometimes even months where I will plug along without taking notice of the little things ... like so many others do.  But recently, I have made a conscious effort to shun such passiveness ... and since I've done so I have found there is so much more out there that I almost feel guilty for not noticing before.  I don't mean for this to wreak of Hallmark-like-pseudo-spiritualistic-lessons or drip of "words to live by" sappiness ... just a sharing of experience.  I know there are many out there who have probably experienced what I am describing, but just don't talk about it. 

Once again,  I found myself sitting quietly in a corner booth at one of my fave java-joints. Nursing a steaming cup-o-java I allowed my mind a brief respite while being entertained by the conversations taking place around me.  Yes, I guess I was eavesdropping ... oh, like you've never done it before ... 

A couple I had known for years was discussing (heatedly) their "social life" and finances ... Both had actually kept a running, mental tally (independently of the other) of who had suggested What and who had paid for What (like dinner, movie, etc) for the duration of what I guess was months ... What was a point of major, festering contention ...

They had actually been keeping Score!  Instead of concentrating on one another, on being thankful for having one another ... enjoying one another ... they were completely betraying their calm, lovey-dovey facade and openly arguing over who sprung for the last movie ... the tension was obviously born of much more ... but they were immersed in constructing their individual defenses in preparation for the inevitable battle their next "outing" would bring.

I've always been raised that if you truly care (love, adore, even like) the person whom you are with, you help one another ... that there is no check-sheet or scorecard to be concerned with ... and if there is, there is a problem.  You don't put one another down, you do not abuse or otherwise hurt the other person ...

But, too, you have to consider I was hatched and stashed under a rock for years ... only to emerge in time to learn that the armor of the remaining Knights is rusted and dented and that there is no such thing as happily ever after ... but to go there would involve plunging into the proverbial rabbit hole and I am not dressed for the occasion.  

I don't mean to lull you into a daze of boredom ... I guess I just felt the need to put these thoughts "out there" ... I find it odd that people don't often appear to take the time to feel the moment ... Always in a hurry to get to Later ... And it is so elusive ... the infamous Later ... Are we there yet??  Are we there yet??

Feelings of selfishness, immediate gratification, defensiveness, and offensiveness are felt with as much, if not more, intensity as loss, sadness, and desperation.  And they are considered normal ... commonplace. My little exploration here of bits and pieces of human nature, in some circles, would be deemed the product of a failed substance-induced escapist attempt at rationalizing that which is only worthy of a Disney flick or bedtime story ... essentially completely void of any societal or realistic "moral" value.  

Strange isn't it?  Wonder, awareness, and contentment are left just offstage ... only to participate in this wondrous production as Bit Parts ... A follow-up to the intermittent Big Bangs that shatter concentration ( or as we begrudgingly call them "trauma," "loss,", etc ...) ... A fleeting reminder of one's humanness ... Sometimes a one-liner offering the audience a good chuckle ... before taking its bow.  

I want to be a Superhero when I grow up.

Or not.

Saving the day is one thing.  But there are some whom I would have a difficult time defending ...

Went to a local coffee shop the other day.  Sat back sipping java and ... listening.  Watching the people come and go.  An old acquaintance came in and sat down across from me and started expressing his thankfulness that his children were grown and his "ol' lady" had relocated with another man ... "The filthy slut," he said smiling, but his eyes were cold.  Anyway, his verbal meanderings soon adopted an even more venomous tone ... truly.  

As my gaze passed from his ruddy face to the gathering of other java-junkies and back again he continued to chatter on and the iciness of his voice caused me to shudder ... Wishing ill on others is one thing ... but his resentment and vindictiveness were off the charts.  I cannot imaging carrying such weight ... I don't believe I would survive ... to be filled with so much anger and hate, to me, would be a terminal condition.  I didn't recall him being so ... Negative ... before, sure he was disgruntled now and then, but nothing like this.  And then he shifted his focus to immigration. How he made the leap still escapes me, but nearly instantaneously he was venting his discontent over the immigration situation.  I'm not going into detail, but suffice to say he was passionate about his stance ... Just being in his presence for a brief time was enough to jolt me ... and has haunted me since ... I cannot figure out how or why he would be so willing and OPEN as to spout such horrible things ... and then to walk away Smiling!!!

How is it that people adopt such steadfast judgmental attitudes ... can be so unforgiving ... may actually Pray for the demise of others ... or otherwise wish them ill ... and never give the first thought to the implications of his (or her) actions???  How may one be so selfish as to truly not care about the welfare of his (or her) fellow travelers ... ??? I may be completely leaving myself open to all sorts of judgments and assumptions by even posting such questions ... and may seem incredibly naive ... but I am truly intrigued b/c no one has ever been able to offer an answer ... 

I have a dear friend who not too long ago diagnosed me as having a Social Conscience ... the basis for much of my concern and intense feelings ... I readily accept this explanation, in part (for he too has the condition) ... But, on the flip side, how may one be filled with such hostility, as the gentleman in the coffee shop, that they literally ooze negativity to the point that others feel drained just by being in their presence for only a few minutes???  I cannot fathom having such disregard for others ... Alas, it would seem I am wandering amongst the dark woods alone ... seeking elusive answers.  Maybe ignorance is bliss ... sometimes.

Wandering Aimlessly About a Changing Backdrop of Faux Scenery

I have tried to stay away from thinking too deeply about the Oil Disaster.  I find it quite depressing on so many levels.  Have seriously contemplating taking some time off to go down and help clean animals, but I know that if I finally made it down there I would never leave. Course I am not discounting going either ... thoughts ...

I don't know what is worse ... the fact that the disaster has happened ... the Corporate Greed that created this horrifying nightmare ... the blind eye of Government Interest ... or the public and private reactions ... the division, the arguments, the trauma ... and the complete obliviousness to the obvious.  Why are people still arguing over response times, who does what, who hasn't done that, won't consider this ... who cares???? People are devastated and ... get over the politics.  Get over the strings that are being pulled to evoke emotion, we are all of the same race, the same population and the cleanup of this disaster belongs to everyone.  The Greed that has fueled the love affair with gas-guzzling SUVs and the like shoulder just as much responsibility as those who holler Drill Baby Drill.  Are you serious??

It goes well beyond the superficial addiction ... we have been conditioned as Pavlov's Dogs ... but have we given any thought to the hand ringing the bell??? We salivate for reasons fermented in false reliance ... similar to anxiously waiting for Santa to show up, only to learn that he does not exist ... problem being, the public has yet to learn that the "reasons" they acquaint with our fuel dependency are just as mythical as the jolly man in the velvety, plush red suit ... and more exploitive than the seasonal employment of elves ...

But that aside, the way I see it, if you have nothing constructive to contribute, keep your "incite-full" opinions muted.  But that is merely opinion. I dunno ... everyone IS entitled to their opinion, but in a time of crisis, if the words being spoken have no real value to invoke constructive action then they are merely a waste of energy and time.  

It is everywhere.  In all the recent events we've witnessed be they good, bad, indifferent, there is a plot at work, a subplot writhing beneath the surface of that plot and a master plan nudging, coaxing, bribing both plots onward ... And these are not Christian Soldiers ...

Arguments overseas regarding the placement of a crucifix, debate over the 10 commandments in courthouses across this nation ... and do you hear of any yelping over the positioning of a pentacle anywhere?? Of course not.  And yet, there are those who still derive immense amusement and implied moral gratification by acting out their compulsions to save the souls of others through the application of guilt, fear, intimidation, and threats when the fate of their own soul is jeopardized by the inherent hypocrisy of the speech spewed by their forked tongues and the violence inflicted by their wagging fingers.  Alas, I have fallen back when I should continue forward.  My apologies.  

We have evolved slightly enough to no longer burn people at the stake (physically anyway) but there are still standards in place that one does not question or defile.  We pride ourselves of being a people of acceptance and opportunity.  Opportunity, sure.  Acceptance, not so much.  We have half-heartedly allowed the religious differences to quietly shuffle off in different directions of quite acceptance and a truce-like stance ... leave my god out of this and I too shall not taunt yours ... However, such courteous agreements have not been offered in the wake of the Immigration Production.  Especially now.  Though religion has established a Working Foundation, we continue to wobble on the fence over racial and ethnic acceptance as they are precariously balanced opposite moral responsibility and humanitarianism.  Some individuals poking others with forceful fingers and words to see if they shall fall.  Teetering, the poking and verbal assaults continue to no avail.  Don't exhale too forcefully.  For many sway within the seas of confusion, discussion, and division.  

I don't want to feed into the dark rhetoric that is the stuff of nightmares and the driving hints of some MSM outlets, but I cannot help but to see a picture forming that should not be.  I wrote over at Lucid about the Kagan hearings and the timing of the confirmation as it will arrive alongside, or shortly ahead, of the hearings over Arizona's Immigration Law.  Word broke recently that the president's immigration legislation is soon to face Mass Exodus ... the Parting of the Congressional Sea ... the proposal is sure to be cut, hacked, essentially slaughtered to the point that it no longer resembles even the intent of the original thoughts put to paper ... all b/c those who have been elected to office have too many allegiances that do not agree or travel the same moral highway ... as a result, there will be no agreement, plenty of loud conversations and intense arguments ... and the death of a proposal.  All in the absence of a Burning Bush.

Healthcare was nothing compared to the conversations soon to be birthed from the contested womb of the weighty argument over who is worthy and who is not ... who is legal ... who is not ... who is undocumented ... and who has the moral clout to sit upon high and cast judgment upon those whom he does not know ... and I am not talking about going to church on Sunday either ... though I guess it would fit.  Same difference, just no plate being passed for money... only papers.  

In its place, an executive order will probably be penned to bridge the gap, appease the majority, and pave the way for further demonstration, dissent, discussion, and division ... though not necessarily in that order.  Whatever the case, I believe that mass amnesty will be granted and the aftermath will serve to create a new era.  Of what, not sure, but it is guaranteed to be a helluva ride.  Allegiances continue to narrow.  

The scenery backdrop continues to shift ... as a chameleon as he wanders aimlessly through a multicolored, multi-textured environment ... full of gullies, rocks, cliffs, meadows, and unforgiving deserts. 

Watched parts of the rehearsed, robotic drilling (no pun intended) of BP's chief Tony Hayward. Just interesting to see the reaction of the representatives, etc ... How they handled the opportunity to have the Mascot of the Nation's Ire before them for questioning.  Everyone knows that it was nothing more than a momentary sideshow.  Does anyone REALLY believe that anything will come of the hearings.  Maybe I am wrong.  I hope so.  But Hayward's answers were nothing short of mind-numbing-stubborness (but his job probably depended on it ... can't give up an estimated 6 million dollar salary for one glimmer of straightforwardness that could potentially cost the company his salary AND holiday pay indefinitely for many years to come) that would have the prolonged effect of producing immense waves of further outrage in those who are watching this situation unfold.

Was amazed at Hayward's composure.  He had to have rehearsed for hours to maintain that flat affect. Despite the horrendous nature of this catastrophe, the scope of this situation goes beyond Hayward and everyone knows it.  He shouldn't have been up there alone.  They should have lined all of them up, everyone who possessed enough clout to be included in the meeting with the president should have been up front and center today on Capital Hill.  Guess we have to wait for Part Two.  But, of course, to truly hold all those who were involved accountable would mean wrangling up more than those associated with BP, but we can't rock the boat.  Everyone's attention is focused sharply ... BP it is.  Later ...

"We care about the small people," said Svanberg.  Now, now ... tell us how you REALLY feel!

Are you serious??!!?? Yep.  There you have it people.   

Care continue your chanting.  Can you honestly say with a straight face that you condone the despicable actions of these filthy Corporate Swine, the chairman of BP who so eloquently allowed the American people a brief glimpse into his gold-plated psyche??? And then there were the testimonies of his fellow oil drilling cronies who candidly admitted that they possessed no feasible clean up plans if they happen to find themselves in the same unfortunate circumstances.

And, yet, the people Tweet on ... can you throw a tantrum on twitter??? Confine the stamping of pissed off feet, pouting and quivering lips, and irate rhetoric to ... what, 140 characters???? Guess not.  So we continue to be inundated with the all-to-familiar R vs D, blah, blah, blah ... back and forth about slowed, inadequate reactions ... the uselessness of boycotts ... etc .... Yep, let's continue the arguing ... meanwhile, the corporate Swine who brought about this disaster via their cost-cutting methods is held accountable through two minute soundbites recorded before they board their corporate jet in time for onboard-caviar-snack-time as they fly back over the pond to fall into their easy chairs with a heavy sigh as they flip the remote to find the news channel carrying their lame, superficial statements all the time wondering if the camera framed their most flattering angle.  And America's addiction has enough of a stronghold that the majority of people feel compelled to argue that they MUST have their OIL ... God forbid they are asked to make a real sacrifice or act on their convictions by taking actions like, oh, I dunno, parking their SUVs and walking or biking to work???  Or taking some other creative approach to curbing their enthusiastic support for the further ravaging of our delicate environment? Course, this is all assuming that the immediate-gratification personality has room to accommodate a leaning towards social consciousness ... a genuine leaning.

I know, I ask too much.  But consider this.  We are Guests.  We cannot conquer Nature.  As much as an affliction as we've become, the earth will find a way to purge Herself of the parasite that is continuously ravaging Her taking precious resources as a means of fueling further destruction without giving anything back other than more plastic, pollutants, etc ...  But as the Late, Great Carlin once said, maybe that is our purpose ... to make plastic??? Whatever the case, I don't understand the logic behind such selfish behaviors without any regard for consequences or the slightest glance at the big picture.  People are jumping up and down about the federal deficit the American government continues to build and the irresponsible passage of this debt onto future generations, but have they stopped to consider that MAYBE the debt will be the least of their worries??? How do they feel about leaving their children and grandchildren with an environment that isn't even fit to be inhabited??? 

But then, I guess the Small People aren't supposed to have such long-range, complex thoughts ... after all ... those with the money, those who hold the power will make sure that they are looked after ... taken care of ... given what they need to survive.  Least that is what those who control the strings would like the people to believe.  And the public is eating it up like candy.  

All or Nothing

People never cease to amaze.  The news of BP's alleged cutting corners, sacrificing safety for the sake of making more money ... and the jaws dropped.  HUH??  Are you serious?  This is NEWS?  I thought it was a foregone conclusion.  But then, knowing it and actually hearing it kind of drives the point home, so to speak.

There is outrage.  And as I have said before, all those responsible for this horrific disaster should carry the full weight of responsibility for however long it takes to make it right.  Period.  But we all know that no matter what is said now, the true impact of things is yet to come.  

There are still those who are croaking about drilling ... cringing at the possibility of an indefinite moratorium.  This has been a long time coming, had to wait for the perfect opportunity ... and here we are.  And what is the reaction ... MORE TALKING ... about the WRONG things.  Amazing.  But then, I guess I shouldn't be amazed ... people don't care about what goes on unless it touches them personally ... and threatening the Gravy Train of Big Oil and the ever-so-precious sensations that immediate gratification brings are construed as fighting words.  As I mentioned in my posting at Lucid, re: the immigration production, allegiances are narrowing.  A closer reflection of one's convictions is in order ... 

Anyway, just a moment's musings.  More to come later.  Until then ....

A Moment's Thoughts ... Minor Distractions

It would seem that the whole world is going to Hell ... @ least to the casual observer.  

I think that those who religiously adhere to the Gospel dispelled by the MSM need an intervention. Each generation supposedly believes that they had it worse than subsequent ones ... not sure about that, I can only speak as a part of this one ... and YES it would appear that things are going South quite quickly. But let's take a moment and examine where the attention of the "masses'" is focused.

Random headlines from the MSM:

The Oil Spill Still Gushes:  Alright, so they FINALLY found a cap that would "fit", but oil is STILL escaping and poisoning our waters, killing wildlife, and devastating entire communities. If it is still leaking, it is still gushing.  One drop of the toxic filth is one drop too many.  But, HEY!, it's alright!  BP is working to clean up its image ... spending how much on a PR campaign??? Shouldn't that money be going to help fund the clean-up and compensation efforts of the major F*&% UP????? Just sayin'.  Coverage is still heartbreaking to watch ... and the worst part of it all??? Just like Katrina, Haiti, and most recently the Flotilla Massacre, this too shall pass silently into the abyss in the company of other tragedies that have exhausted their 15 minutes.  The "newness" will wear off and there may be a snippit here or there in the average newscast to offer a well crafted "UPDATE" on the situation ... and that will be all.  So much for IN DEPTH coverage.  NO ONE'S pockets are deep enough to fund that kind of venture ... what were you thinking????  Once you learn that it all comes down to photo-ops, politics, and the other related filthy ilk the disappointment you feel may not sting so much ... maybe.  Anyone with any degree of social conscious is going to feel complete outrage and deep sense of helplessness and guilt regardless .... What better ingredients than those to spark some kind of action, reaction, or utterance to refocus attention to those things that matter most ...  Nothing big really ... just personal and moral responsibility to ourselves, one another, all living creatures, love, hope ... you know, all the things that DON'T boost profits, sell shares, or thrust a corporate agenda onto the shoulders of an unassuming public.  I bet if they made a commercial about valuable, good karmic principles, presented them in a fashionable, shiny manner and strategically placed them in valuable spots during prime time tv the glazed look of the average, trusting "public" might just crack for an instant ... a yearning for that which might actually contribute to filling that cold void that  until the present only had material goods, false promises and false hopes thrown at it but to no avail ... and, yet, we wonder why the ache lingers ... 

Comedy Central is out to "smear" or "get" Christians via its satirical and "offensive" portrayal of Jesus Christ:  Oh, and they "exalt" the Muslim faith ... The only question I have: What about the satirical commentary on the direct "In YOUR face" immediate issues we face as a society?? You know, all the taboo subjects that make most blush even though they KNOW there is a problem? Oh, that's right, push it to the side with the force of denial, cover it with the silky smooth judgment of the sinful ... and proceed to make snap judgments on things about which you know nothing ... and it is all OK b/c our faith tells us so.  

People raising Hell in NYC re: the proposed Mosque near Ground Zero:  Much ado about What?? All I will say is this, to negate or condemn the Muslim faith for the actions of a few radicals is insanity.  To condemn the entire faith b/c of a few fanatics is pure hypocrisy.  What about the nut-wing, gun-toten Christians who shoot up abortion clinics?  Don't care for that? Then let's humbly shuffle through history ... Inquisition, Burning Times, Crusades, Catholic vs. Protestant ... etc.  Thou should not cast stones ... For thy house is already shattered.

Immigration Reform:  Refer to Lucid.

Primary Races this coming Wk: Wouldn't be such a bad obsession if those who tout it would realize that just as all the other "shinies" dangling before the masses, this too shall pass with little to no impact on the overall picture.  Things are still screwed up and will continue to be so until people start to look at the overall picture.  Many a lesson could be learned from revisiting the Founding Documents. And just to give a heads-up, we ARE a Constitutional Republic ... NOT a democracy.  Look it up.

On more lighthearted notes ... wait ... wait ... I got it! .... Whoops, lost it. Wait ... Damn, lost it again. Gonna go look for some substitutes.  Back later.

A Moment's Venting:  It has only been ... what 40-some days and BP just announced TODAY that it will strengthen its efforts to get this Crisis under control.  Not only is the situation totally heartbreaking, but, as many others, I am truly appalled at their arrogant display.  [I couldn't care less about the Biggie-Wigs involved ... They deserve to carry the FULL weight of this Crisis upon their shoulders for however long it takes. My concern, heartbreak, and thoughts are with the animals that didn't ask for any of this.  "Freakin' humans are at it again. They don't appreciate ANYTHING ... And WE have to SUFFER."] 

And the head Biggie-Wigs of BP suggest with straight faces and metallic voices that ratio of oil gushing ... poisoning our waters is relatively small in comparison to [WHAT???] ...  Like a spoiled toddler stomping his foot, they cry, "NO! NO! NO! ... We WON'T stop using dispersive chemicals ... " They don't care that it is devastating to the environment, THEY ARE LOSING MONEY ... And those who tuck them into bed ... reading them stories of Big Corporations living Greedily-Ever-After ... allow them to get away with their tantrums ... Like a parent cowering in line at the grocery... buying their kid the candy bar just to shut him up ... Easier than showing authority and teaching Respect or Responsibility.  

Thou mustn't show disrespect for he who can scream loudest ... He with the loudest cry and determined foot shall win through sloughing his responsibility onto others as he clutches the Almighty Dollar ... and steps on those who brace the pedestal with shaking hands, averted eyes and shoulders that slouch beneath the undeserved weight he has thrust upon them.

I wonder if the Big Oil Cronies and the likes of Palin and ALL their supporters will continue to chant "Drill Baby Drill" in the wake of this horrifying disaster??? Probably, after they get off their knees ... and stop their pleading.  The moratorium will, more than likely, be lifted ... at least for the moment.  The chorus of supporters will reluctantly stop their bitching and all will return to business as usual.  Rape, pillage, plunder ... destroy.   

No regard for the gift of Nature ... no thought to the effects of their actions ... Immediate Gratification or Bust ... Until the dust settles.

Posted a few intro thoughts [over at Lucid] on the immigration "drama" that is proving perilous in its ability to bring forth all that makes us human.  Currently working on the second installment to be posted within the next 48 hours or so.  Until then ...

As I stated in the Prelude, if you haven't found a crisis or "cause" to fit ... wait.  It is the lifeblood of the entire production ...

More to come.