Friday, August 13, 2010

Manic Ramblings ... Back Momentarily

In my manic dash to make up for lost time, I have allowed myself a few moments' guilty pleasure.  

Met with a good friend last night for java ... actually, as the fates would have it we were in the right place at the same time.  Anyhow, spent the first few minutes in a bit of awkward silence ... guess one could consider it a strange reflection of the past few weeks of non-communication.  But the interest and sarcasm were alive and well.  We talked and laughed once the thaw was complete. And it was so nice to be able to laugh comfortably ... no expectations, no guidelines ... just conversation and java in the company of someone whom I have known for quite some time. Course there are other factors at play here, but this is neither the moment nor medium for That discussion. 

So odd how dreams morph fluidly into expectations and then seem to squirm uncomfortably into the guise of reality ... especially when one is ill-prepared to witness the troubling transformation. Course, that generally happens when actuality does the situation no justice at all.  But that is neither here nor there either.  Where was I?

Suffice to say that I have always felt a kind of kinship to this individual and we have always been able to speak on the same level with nearly identical interests and backgrounds. Difficult to find in this part of the woods really.  To make obscure references to British comedy and things, knowing no explanation is necessary b/c the other one will get the joke was really cool.  Being able to be sarcastic, deadpan, etc. and never missing a beat.  I don't know where this is going. Guess I felt obliged to include a few comments about that.  I'm done now.  On to other things.

With newfound awareness comes a renewed interest in those things for which I have unfortunately long neglected.  For example, my fiction writing.  

For a few months now I have been working on a short short that a dear friend is anxiously waiting to read.  As is the case with any writer, no piece is ever truly finished, though I have set myself a deadline ... steadfast deadline ... of this week to finish the piece and get it in the hands of my fellow java junkie.  With any hope ... er, luck, he will read it and still want to meet for coffee on occasion.  Not only is there contest deadline creeping up in the background, it feels really good to be able to sit down at the computer and type away without the heaviness of masochistic tendencies weighing about my shoulders ... I know that I am clinging to that phrase for some unfortunate reason.  Guess it seems to fit at the moment. I have discovered that many of our life's lessons are rooted in self-loathing at times that we allow to unnecessarily cause pain.  But that is another story.  This is not the time for depression, oppression, or other ill-timed discussions. Anyway ....

Yes, I am working to finish the piece and with any luck, there will be many to follow.  Who knows, I just may publish some excerpts here.  Maybe.  

Until later.  I have much writing to tend to.  


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Masochistic Novice

Alas, I have deprived my soul long enough.  

It is odd how we often thrust ourselves into the path of an oncoming bus not for the sheer thrill of dodging the experience of being shuffled loose the mortal coil but for the knowledge that we have survived and now possess the authority to speak first hand and warn others of the  danger of placing our hearts, minds, and sometimes our principles on the line in the name of love .... or lust.  

And on we go breathing deeply in the wake of sheer disappointment, fear, loathing. or relief.  Coming up from the depths of depression and oppression only to breathe as one who has been held below the water's surface for far too long.  And yet some of us still harbor a sense of guilt ... "Over what?" one may ask? I dunno, silly things I would suppose ... though not silly to the one experiencing it but to the casual observer who shakes his or her head in dismay that one would place his or herself in the situation to begin with.  Some try to save the world ... others try to save one another.  

And here we are.  You have returned to see if I have posted further, and as you arrive I rise to the surface from the depths of a self-induced darkness and deprivation that is unhealthy even for the most Seasoned Masochist.  

Not that I enjoy whips and chains, I think it is more of a perverted fascination with the effects of continuing to embrace my "syndrome mentality".  Yet again, I have survived.  I have dodged the train, stumbled across the tracks to land in seedy gravel only to momentarily curl defensively and lick my still-fresh wounds.  No worries.  I shall rise to stand full height once again and stronger than before.  I reclaim my intent, my focus, and my dreams.  I will get there ... and this experience only serves to reinforce the motivation I have silently cradled all along.  No one shall hijack my destination.  Not this, not anything that mere mortal man may place in front of me shall rob me of that.  

I don't mean to speak in riddles or confusing allusions.  Suffice to say that recent situations have reached their boiling point, boiled over, scalded my hands and forced me to drop the pot of sopping stew of negativity and discontent to the shining floor below.  Momentary discoloration, a slight mess.  Nothing a mop won't cure. I take responsibility, for it was I who dropped the pot. 

What good would it do to hold tight to something that is not fit for consumption and cannot possibly be passed on to anyone as "good for you" with any degree honesty whatsoever?  That is false advertisement, morally wrong, and demeaning.  To further ingest this festering conglomeration of sour bits and pieces would only trigger additional "feel bads" and massive regurgitation. It is fine to initially try to add your own set of spices and herbs to make the gruel better ... maybe give it a more appealing flavor, aroma, and texture.  But it is still gruel. 

Ah, already I tire of such analogies.  Until later ....